Cooking · Cooking Fail

Cooking Fails – An Intro

So, blogs are a place to tout your triumphs right? A place to say, “Look at me world, Martha Stewart ain’t got nothing on this” right? Well welcome to reality folks, at least… my reality. Today I will begin a new chapter in my blog in which I air my culinary failures for the world to see. Inherently I am a horrible cook. I’m kind of a train wreck actually. You know that person out at the club, who has NO sense of rhythm but just keeps on dancing, and dancing, and dancing? Yeah, that’s me in the kitchen. I figure one of these days it will get better, but in the meantime I’ll be posting items that don’t work out under the heading of “Cooking Fail” and I will be tagging them that way too. I figure I can benefit from this in two ways.

1) Rather than viewing each failure in terms of money, time and ingredients wasted I can think of them in terms of additional blog content and the possibility of making someone laugh. It’s ok if it is “at me” and not “with me”. I can take it.

2) MAYBE YOU CAN HELP ME. I am not above constructive criticism by any means. If you have a solution, dish it. Obviously I need all of the help that I can get.

So, today I begin with what is supposedly one of the easiest condiments to make, mayonnaise. I was baking a cake earlier and it dawned on me that I would be left with four egg yolks after my cake was completed. It seems like just dumping them down the drain would be a horrible waste so I started to peruse the internet for mayo recipes. I came across this one which seemed easy enough and called for exactly four egg yolks. I gathered the additional ingredients called for under the Basic Mayonnaise heading and followed the directions on how to blend them together.

Sounds simple right???? Problem was, I wound up with a liquidy mess and not the thick creamy texture that you expect with mayonnaise.

The only changes that I made were substituting black pepper for the white pepper that it called for and white vinegar for the wine vinegar. I only did this because of what I had available to be at the time in my house. Perhaps that made the difference… but I don’t think so. If you have any experience making mayo I would love to hear what works and what you think I may have done wrong.

Truth be told, today almost wound up as a double cooking fail when the cake that I was making did not come out the desired size. I recently purchased “The Joy of Cooking” and I was making the White Cake recipe. It had two sets of instructions, one of which was for use with two 9-inch pans and since that is what I own, I followed that one. The cakes came out beautiful but they were SO THIN that I had to make a second batch in order to have enough height to make the cake aesthetically pleasing once complete. The recipe simply did not make enough batter to make a cake layer big enough to torte. I will definitely be doubling the recipe in the future but now I am wondering if all of the cake recipes in the book are like this or if *gasp* I am subject to yet another cooking fail. Discuss.


7 thoughts on “Cooking Fails – An Intro

  1. Were all the ingredients at room temp? Did you slowly pour the olive oil in as the eggs were beating? I think this section of your blog is going to be badass! Of all things, it took me YEARS to stop failing with a CROCKPOT. Yeah, you heard me, I got skooled by what is SUPPOSED to be the easiest method of cooking known to (wo)man. “Set it and forgrt it” my ass. I just used the crockpot last night, but I did so with apprehension and a wee bit of bitter hatred and rivalry. lol

    1. Yeah, I went out of my way to make sure that everything was room temp (left the eggs in some luke warm water before cracking them, etc.) so I dunno what happened! Do you ever make it? If so, I’ll come watch you do it sometime 🙂

    2. next time try whipping the egg yolks untill they turn light yellow. then slowly add the oil very slowly until it starts to emulsify with the yolks. from there add the lemon juice and other seasonings to taste. and 4 yolks will make quite a bit of mayo and will probably take more oil than you think but aint nothin like home made mayo yum! and you gan add fresh garlic or roasted garlic to it and make it an aioli!

  2. Do you have a food processor? You could try that next time instead of the kitchen aid mixer. It might give you a better emulsion.

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